I need to admit this upfront: Privately, I read Gwyneth Paltrows endearingly disconnected GOOP blog. Its like spying in the windows of a big poncy mansion where $27 per oz hibiscus-scented sea salt is a staple and casual friends receive Hermes watches as gifts because its charming. Unless you have an Oscar and married a rock star, none of her advice applies.
Turns out Gwynnie and I were both looking to start off the year with fresh intestines: a recent issue of GOOP featured the cleanse masters at Organic Avenue, who outline a surprisingly simple 7-day juice detox that bonus! even includes something to chew (well ... salad).
The strict version of this cleanse involves throwing alkaline water, pHour salts, chlorophyll, and aloe vera in your shopping cart - all things my wallet asked me to opt out of. To make it easy, I also swapped out fancy ingredients (young Thai coconut milk for just plain coconut milk, for example). That said, the rest of the cleanse is based entirely on recognizable veggies and Organic Avenues own Doc Brocs Green Powder ($29 for a giant tub). Theres not an ounce of cooking, steaming, or heating, either it's just you and the food processor. It was a great way to turn my wicked frozen margarita blender skills to a more healthful 2010.
Since youre drinking all but one of your meals, get ready to do some heavy blending. You're supposed to blend as you go, but you better believe Im not dragging raw veggies and machinery to the office and getting busy with either in the break room. I whipped up a bunch of batches every few days, and stocked them in the fridge.
Check out the full Organic Avenue diet.
I hate this breakfast. It's boring and horrible and makes me want to go to Organic Avenues office and eat a Snickers bar in plain view. Here we have pond-flavored water with a chaser of dirty water-flavored water. Have you ever imagined actually drinking what your salad spinner flings off your leaves? I bet it tastes just like this. Other things were slurped today, but they did not pop my bubble of scorn for this mistakefast.
I was waiting for my stomach to grumble today, but it didn't. I feel cheated by the horror of breakfast, but not actually deprived. Energetic, though? Hardly. I have a dull headache, I've wanted a candy bar since I thought about it 12 hours ago and my teeth feel like they're already rotting from atrophy.
It is taking me a LONG. DAMN. TIME. to get over how much I hate the duo of disgusting breakfast drinks. But on this plus side, Carrot Soup and I are getting serious. I had to get over its drug-test-urine color, but once I did, the cameo that ginger makes in a day filled with lettuce and cucumbers is like having Liz Taylor step out of your closet and ask if you want to borrow her diamonds for work.
Headaches are gone, and I feel surprisingly energetic, but it's also likely due to sleep. My usual nightly rituals include cocktails (can't), dinner (can't), mindless snacking (can't). Herbal tea isn't jazzy enough to keep me interested. And frankly, I'm bloated. Like, really bloated.
Keyword: KaBOOM. Im definitely a spring of energy, and it feels great. My personal effervescence could power a whole train. And yet ... I would still kill for a Manhattan or a slab of bacon.
But! That little stomach pooch you tell yourself you could lose in a millisecond if you really got serious about it, yet never do? Totally gone. Which is ironic, because all this juice drinking still has me feeling like a walking water jug. Despite being fueled by nothing but avocados and sprouts, I actually had the energy for a run after work.
You think the absence of abdominal poof would be reward enough, but on top of it, somewhere around day 5 and 6, my skin just started glowing. Glowing. It looks like I woke up from a fabulously refreshing nap. And Im definitely the trimmer, slimmer, newer me. Yeah yeah, its all water weight. It could be a whole kidney for all I care it's making my jeans look good.
Still, this is definitely a detox diet Im ready to get back to things I can chew and social events I can attend without fear Ill maul the sushi platters. But Im feeling better than good I'm feeling spectacular. This detox doesnt overbill the "youll be energized" angle, either I knocked things off my to do list I never dreamed Id see done. Your intestinal tract may blow up like a cheap raft around day 2 and 3, but youll have incredible drive and the skin of a supermodel.
Jenny's Other Diets
I can work a takeout menu better than my microwave. And the stove? I kinda needed the storage. Still, Im a working girl trying to strike a better balance between healthy eating and real life, and there's got to be middle ground between pretending 4 martinis are a juice diet, and asking for quinoa at Mario Batali's newest hotspot. From raw food to juice fasts to macrobiotic to gluten-free, my gastrointestinal system will try on a number of different diets to see which one fits the budget, the lifestyle, and most importantly, the girl.
Got one I should try? Let me know!
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