"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt." ~ Dean Martin
When the Earth was young and cavemen beat the ground with clubs and danced the boo-ga-loo, crowds gathered round in silent awe. Today the same kind of nonsense is simply called golf (April 10 is Golfer's Day).
Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you've ever overheard conversations on the green -- to amateurs who play -- sand seems to come alive, clubs become possessed by mischievous sprites, and expensive equipment somehow mystically finds its way into the deep end of ponds.
To those of you who have never chased a puckered ball from here to kingdom come, golf is a sport in which players use assorted clubs including woods, irons, and putters, in an attempt to hit small dimpled spheres from a tee into nearly invisible holes on a putting green in the lowest possible number of strokes. Outside of being a swell way to spend time out of doors, usually in beautiful surroundings, it's also one of the few ball games that doesn't use a standardized playing area. Instead, the game is played on uniquely designed golf courses consisting of either 9 or 18 holes.
Golf is the rare sport that can be played by people of any age, and taken up by people of any age (infirmities aside). And motorized golf carts assure the minimum amount of exercise per hour than any other sport except perhaps fishing. Men, women and children alike are drawn to the lure of the lawn. Take for instance golfing superstars like Jack Nicklaus, who began playing golf at age ten, Phil Mickelson, who began playing golf at age three, Michelle Wie, who began playing golf at the age of four, and Tiger Woods -- possibly the world's most famous golfer -- who began swinging a club when we was only two years old, and went on to become the youngest Masters winner ever.
So whether you spend your day chipping away at the putting green, excavating sand traps, fishing "escapees" out of water hazards or crawling around on all fours looking for lost orbs in the tall grass, don't get "teed" off about grass stains. Remove yours with a mixture of one-third cup white vinegar and two-thirds cup water. Apply the solution to the stain and blot with a clean cloth. Repeat this process until you've removed as much green chlorophyll as possible from the spot, and then launder as usual.
Whether you're an amateur lost on the back nine looking for your ball markers, a sweaty caddie in his shack, or a cocktail-swigging old pro who rarely leaves the clubhouse -- with a little bit of luck (and white vinegar) you'll always look your best while daydreaming of your next bogey.
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