Green Clean That Carpet After New Year's Parties

The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. --W.H. Auden

My partner's dad, Marvin, a restaurateur, always called New Year's Eve "Amateur Night." It's the one night of the year that even the lightweights feel they need to be out "partying"-- pretending to know the words to "Auld Lang Syne," (Can somebody tell me what those words mean?), tying one on publicly by chug-a-lugging Champagne, publicly declaring a soon-to-be-forgotten New Year's resolution, smooching with strangers they'd probably never even shake hands with if sober, oooh-ing under fireworks, dancing till dawn, and, in general, disregarding any limits of decorum while bidding a fond adieu to the passing of the old, and crying out a big-ol' "Hey there!" for the coming of the new.

That's how most of us celebrate on December 31st.

On New Year's Eve folks will be huddled in bars, splayed out in swanky eateries, attending or throwing a party, or quietly tucked into bed vicariously watching the festivities of others on TV. But across the globe, millions of people will be lost in the massive crowds in New York City's Times Square watching the ball drop, carrying on at the Moulin Rouge in Paris, whooping it up in London's Trafalgar Square, bar-hopping and go-cupping in New Orleans, gambling and drinking along Las Vegas' glittery strip, soaking in waist-high foam at Singapore's Siloso Splash, partying harbor-side at Dawes Point in Sydney, dancing with strangers on the Piazza del Popolo in Rome, or crammed onto Copacabana Beach in Rio.

No matter how they do it (or where), running wild and/or barely comatose, most revelers will be hell-bent on having a rocking good time. (An evening to remember...yah' right!)

Let's face it, no matter how old or young we are, partiers or not, at some point in our lives we've all "been there." And while attending public celebrations might make ignoring the mess left behind easier, most of us at one time or another have either hosted or attended a friend's New Year's Eve Party. As a veteran of the New Year's Eve Wars, I can attest that there is just no polite way to describe the aftermath -- the "remains of the day" so to speak. So here's this eco-cleaner's no-brainer tip for the day after.

First... you'll want to remove as much of the puke from your carpeting as possible. Wipe it up the best you can till it's as dry and as clean as you can make it. (Yah, I know it's gross, but get over yourself -- there's just no easy way to talk about this!). Follow the wipe-up by sprinkling the violated area with baking soda, rubbing it deeply into the fibers of the carpet.

Now here's the easy part: leave the now-baking-soda-covered mess behind. That's right. Just walk away from the offender until you can stomach it. (And for God's sake, do anything but have another cocktail!) Then, in the bright light of day...that is, when you can clearly see your feet again... vacuum up the dried baking soda and, voila, the you-know-what should hopefully be gone.

In your attempts to create lasting New Year's Eve memories, remember that what we actually have on this night is the rare opportunity of looking forward and backward simultaneously, and if we're lucky, we'll actually find ourselves momentarily in the present. So whatever it is that you end up doing on December 31st, have respect for your body and for those around you, and, with as little or as much of your dignity intact, make the most of a wonderful night.

(FYI...I don't keep my resolutions either...I recycle them.) Happy New Year!