thrifty

One of my all-time favorite movies is the 1979 classic Being There, starring Peter Sellers. The late Sellers (of Pink Panther and Dr. Strangelove fame) plays Chance the Gardener, a simple minded but lovable manservant who lives his whole life cloistered in the estate of an elderly patron, only to be abruptly thrust into the outside world upon his master's death. Sellers' clueless character is eventually heralded as one of the great economic minds of his time, pointing out through his innocence and simple thinking the follies of the self-deceived "real world" he encounters.

If you're a simple cheapskate like me, you're probably feeling a lot like Chance the Gardener these days. I know I am. With the recent and ongoing implosion of the U.S. economy, quite honestly my phone has been ringing off the hook with questions from reporters writing articles about getting frugal -- and fast -- in order to weather the hard times that are upon us.

I guess we've entered the Age of the Cheapskate, and frugal folks like me, who know far more about hedge trimming than hedge funds, are the new financial oracles. Chance the Gardener, take a bow.

While I've never claimed to be a mastermind of high finance (a critic once said that I am to the community of personal financial pundits what paint-by-numbers is to the art world), I'll wager that the most effective solutions for making it through these complex financial times may in fact be the simplest. I'm not talking about on a macro-economic level, with its nearly trillion dollar federal bailout of credit markets, but on a personal level, in your own life.

When asked for personal financial advice for surviving -- and even thriving -- in these troubled economic times, I keep coming back to a single word: Simplify. Almost without exception, whenever you simplify your life, three things happen. It usually costs less, it's nearly always better for the environment, and -- here's the best part -- it inevitably makes you happier.

Simplify. Drive less by consolidating trips, telecommuting, shortening your work week, walking or bicycling. Stay at home more with family and friends, making your own fun rather than paying to be entertained. Cook more meals at home and eat lower on the food chain. Consider downsizing your house, moving closer to where you work, or living in -- and heating! -- only part of your home in the wintertime. De-clutter your life and boost your finances by selling stuff you don't use or no longer want. Do more things for yourself rather than pay others to do things for you, and maybe then you can even cancel your gym membership.

How is any of that about sacrifice or hardship? It's all about living a better life -- and living lighter on the planet -- by consuming and spending less. Ghandi said it best: "Live simply so that others may simply live." I agree, and think Chance the Gardener would too.

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I rarely buy new clothing. I shop mostly at thrift stores, and I still proudly wear the same Grand Funk Railroad t-shirt I bought in 1975 when I saw them in concert at the Toledo Sports Arena. (They rocked, BTW.)

But when I truly must buy something new, I have a simple rule of thumb: I only buy my clothing at stores that also sell pork chops, in bulk. You know, big box stores -- a.k.a. membership warehouse stores -- like COSTCO, Sam's Club, and similar chains.

If you're a cheapskate like me who hates shopping, big box stores have two major advantages. First, of course, are their competitive prices. The per unit cost of items sold at big box stores is consistently lower than the regular retail or even sale price of the same item at other stores. Of course you need to factor in the annual membership fee ($30 or so), but most shoppers recoup that in just a few visits.

But even more important to those of us suffering from SAD (Shopping Anxiety Disorder), the other major advantage of big box stores is their incredible lack of selection.

For example, you'll probably only find one or two styles of men's slacks at a big box store, each available in three colors. You load one pair of each color onto your flatbed shopping cart, content knowing that your slackification needs are met through at least the next three presidential administrations, and then you high tail it over to the free cheese sampling station at the back of the store. Simple, painless, cheap ... and free brie.

But my love of big box stores sparked a heated debate recently with a friend of mine. She contends that big box stores represent -- and encourage -- the gross over consumption that we both agree plagues our nation. An ardent environmentalist (well, so am I), she feels that big box stores are the antithesis of "green." But consider my case for big box stores as a greener choice:

• Shop less frequently: Because of the jumbo-sized products, shopping at big box stores lets you shop less often, which means less gas wasted and pollution generated. Obviously you need to be smart about storing quantities of perishable items to avoid waste.
• Shop at fewer stores: Big box stores offer one-stop-shopping for a wide range of products, everything from groceries, to clothing, to books, to furniture, thereby further reducing shopping road trips.
• Less packaging: One reason why big box stores can sell products for less is the cost savings on packaging (i.e. one large container vs. multiple smaller containers). Packaging can easily add ten percent or more to the cost of a product, and the manufacturing and disposal of all that packaging material creates a COSTCO-sized carbon footprint.
• Neither paper nor plastic: Last but certainly not least, big box stores are just about the only stores of any kind that don't ask that cliché question at the checkout counter: "Paper or plastic?" At big box stores you typically load up your own purchases in cardboard shipping boxes that in other stores get thrown in the dumpster.

I admit that low prices paired with free cheese cubes are an aphrodisiac for my Inner Miser, but I'll stick by my contention that big box stores are also a greener choice when it comes to shopping. What do you think?

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Are you a shopaholic? You know you're a shopaholic if a thief steals all your credit cards and goes on a shopping spree, but when you get your monthly bill it's the lowest one you've had in years.

As I've written here before, if you're a typical American you can't honestly embrace the green movement without also accepting that you need to consume less in your own life. We Americans are only five percent of the world's population, but we consume almost thirty percent of the world's resources. Conservation starts with the next time you get out your wallet or open your purse.

How to break yourself of a spending addiction? Try a spending detox, or what I call a fiscal fast: Go for a week or more each year without spending any money.

Think of it as forgoing the use of legal tender for the sake of tenderizing your non-monetary soul.

The Golden Rule: NO stockpiling in advance. A fiscal fast is the week to use it up, make it last, or do without.

It's a chance to eat up the groceries in your cupboards and refrigerator, especially food stuff nearing its expiration date. It's the week to try carpooling or walking or bicycling to work rather than driving. And a fiscal fast gives you a chance to finally open up those little bottles of shampoo you've been saving from the Holiday Inn for the past 20 years, and rediscover all the terrific clothes in your closet you forgot you even own.

It's a week for your family to make its own fun, rather than pay for entertainment; dig out those old board games you haven't played in years or borrow some books from the library.

A fiscal fast will put you in touch with your own green cheapskate and do three things to help reshape your relationship with money and stuff. First, you'll save some money during the week, which is always a good thing, particularly in challenging economic times like these. Don't rush out the following week and spend what you saved during the fast; instead use it to pay down some debt or put it in your savings account.

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Summertime and the living is cheap. For some reason, my WAD really flares up in the summer (that's "Wallet Anxiety Disorder," BTW).

Don't get me wrong: Summertime is fun time, and I like to enjoy my summers just as much as the hairy guy in the Speedo next to me. That disturbing mental image aside, I see folks spending a lot of money in the summertime that's both unnecessary and tough on the environment.

Consider these sizzling summer savers:

1. Support your local farmers and economy by shopping at farmers' markets and picking your own fruits and veggies.
To get started, go to usda.gov and search "farmers markets," or use the handy tool in the Local Info box at the left of The Daily Green. Find a pick-your-own farm near you here.

Local produce is fresh and healthy, and it leaves a smaller carbon footprint since it's transported less. Plus, prices are low (and often negotiable), and it's more family fun than a trip to the money-sucking Cineplex.

2. Put your butt in gear rather than your car.
Forty percent of the driving we do is within two miles of where we live. Make a pact this summer to walk or bicycle whenever the trip is two miles or less. Your bank account -- and Mother Nature -- will thank you for it.

3. Rediscover your public library.
Libraries are not only FREE, but they're COOL. Use the library's air conditioning rather than your own; read and attend summer programs at your local branch. And remember, many libraries loan movies too.

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I'm now officially concerned that America's green movement may have run its course. My reason for sounding the alarm: A story on a morning talk show last week about the rush by high-end fashion designers to bring five-figure "green gowns" and other pricey "eco-apparel" to fashion runways and your nearest Saks Fifth Avenue.

You don't have to spend like a fat cat to dress well.

If there was ever a movement NOT in need of its own criminally overpriced designer fashion line, it's the green movement. You know, a movement that's about, well, "conserving" resources.

Call me jaded (because I am), but my real fear is that it signals the beginning of the end of the green movement, not because fashion designers are jumping on the hybrid bandwagon, but because many Americans -- too many -- will probably rush out to actually buy this Emperor's new green-label, high fashion attire. What better way to show your solidarity with Mother Earth ... and flaunt your fortunes in the process?

Forget about the good that you could accomplish by donating that same money to one of the thousands of nonprofit organizations working to protect the environment. And even forget about the size of the carbon footprint you're probably creating to generate that big bankroll in the first place.

The fact is that less than 2% of all clothing thrown away every year in the U.S. is trashed because it's truly "worn out" -- as in threadbare, falling apart, full of holes. The other 98%, for the most part, is dumped just because we want something new or we've outgrown our duds, and we're too lazy to pass them along to someone else who can use them.

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Hello. By way of introducing myself, I am -- proudly -- The Ultimate Cheapskate, America's Cheapest Man.

That doesn't necessarily make me America's Greenest Man. But the two are definitely related, and that's what I want to rant a tad about in this blog.

Case in point: The other day someone questioned both my credentials as an environmentalist and as a cheapskate when they found out that I use disposable razors. "What do you expect?" I said. "I hardly ever find the other kind in my neighbor's trash."

Yeah, that's right. Just try me.

I think it's great that more Americans are finally embracing the green movement. But I think there's a bit of hypocrisy at play here. You see, if you're an average American, I think you can't honestly embrace the green movement without also accepting that it probably means that you need to spend -- and consume -- a lot less in your own life. Conservation starts at home, not in the rainforests of the Amazon or in developing nations like India or China. Dare I remind you, Americans are only five percent of the world's people, but we consume thirty percent of the world's resources?

In my lexicon, a "cheapskate" is the polar opposite of a "conspicuous consumer." The latter, of course, are folks who spend and consume at warp speed, primarily to show others that they're capable of doing so. But cheapskates like me are too self confident -- and frankly too smart -- to buy and consume things we don't need or even want, particularly when so many others have so very little and Mother Earth is already hyperventilating as a result of our over-consumption.

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I'm not convinced of the wisdom behind the Economic Stimulus Act of 2008. Maybe I'm just bothered by the name. The Buy Some More Unnecessary Stuff Act of 2008 seems more fitting.

Call me simple, but it seems to me like a government that's in debt up to its E Pluribus Unum can ill-afford to give back part of its paycheck, particularly when it's cutting back on government programs like education and environmental protection because it, well, can't afford them. And I'm also not so sure that giving Americans some more cash so that they can run out and buy some more crap is really in the best interest of either our nation or, more directly, our pursuit of happiness.

How will you spend your tax rebates?

But my doubts aside, the government money is raining down: $300 or more for those who didn't pay taxes last year, $600 for single taxpayers and $1,200 or more for us "joint filers." (Why do I always get flashbacks of that 1976 Bachman Turner Overdrive concert whenever I check that box on my IRS Form 1040?) It may take longer for some checks to hit your mailbox than others, but they're on their way -- In God We Trust.

The smart money says just deposit your check and write another check right back to the IRS. Get a head start on what you'll owe in taxes this year, which - if not this year, then some year soon - is likely to be even more, since of course they decided to give back part of their allowance this year. Using it to pay off some of your debts is OK too, but that's exactly what they DON'T want you to do.

But if you're inclined to be a good American and spend your stimulus windfall, then here are my Top 3 Eco Friendly Investments (as in both eco-logical and eco-nomical) for your tax check:

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